A Songwriter’s Lament

Note: This post was written in 2025 and backdated to appear on the day I wrote and published the track.

Two days before I wrote this, another participant asked if anyone had ever written something that they were pretty sure had been written already by somebody else. This was my response:

I’m sure I have… most of the time when I’m sure I’ve stolen something (e.g., Raggedy Man‘s hook earlier this week) and I go looking for what it was I stole, I find that it’s close, but not exact. Call it “inspired by.” And if today’s song (I Will Provide) hasn’t been done in some form by a gazillion bar bands already, well… I’m ashamed of the bar bands.

Then again, I was working out a lovely chord sequence this evening for a chill piano piece and after about 20 minutes of grooving with it realized that I was playing Dire Dire Docks from Super Mario 64.

A Songwriter's Lament Ray Toler 4:20

I doubt there’s ever been a songwriter who didn’t have that suspicion at least once or twice in their life.¹ This topic was still rattling around in my brain while I was making coffee and then I had one of those lightning-quick branching mental conversations with myself where this song popped into my head, I argued against doing it, rebutted my argument, cracked a joke, and made myself laugh out loud at the joke, all in the span of about 2 seconds.

What was the joke? You know, I don’t even really remember all of its nuance, but it was essentially that I should write a song about pirating a song, and the line “all the source material you pillage, swipe, and steal” was in there somewhere. Instantly I knew there would be a band of pirates, and a tantrum, and a big long legal disclaimer, and… well, you’ve got the result available to listen to. It sprang fully formed from the forehead of Not Zeus.

Where Did You Find Pirates?

The first time I think I did a song with a lot of character voices was 2019’s Piece by Piece. One thing I neglected to mention in that song’s post is that it was, at least in part, informed by a track by Paul Ivey during the 2016 Song-A-Day titled, “Tootin’ the BART” in which he took on the role of the head busker in a motley crew of Song-A-Dayers holding subway riders hostage. It had sound effects and he’d done a lot of fun production work.

I needed a band² of pirates, and there’s nobody else here, so I guess they are me. Fun bit of trivia, I gave a name to each of them³ while tracking, and did actually keep the character voices consistent throughout the entire song.

The legal disclaimer wasn’t supposed to be as long as it ended up being, but it just kept getting funnier to me so I kept going. I also hadn’t planned on compressing the speed of it, but that just amplified the joke by making it into one of those ludicrous legal disclaimers you hear on radio ads or pharmaceutical TV commercials. “May cause side effects including watery eyes, joint pain, and death.”

The tantrum was sort-of planned, but ended up being a natural outcome of the verse I was writing. I genuinely didn’t know that there’s no rhyme for “else” when I started on that couplet. The tantrum was a single extemporaneous take and I walked all the way out of the studio and into the bedroom down the hall, then back again. I hadn’t initially planned on bleeping out the cursing, but when I added it in, it made it that much funnier.

As far as the orchestration goes, I did flirt with adding some other parts, maybe drums, bass? Something? But I liked the sound of just the piano and, more pragmatically, knew I probably wouldn’t have time to do it along with all of the pirate voices and editing.

Spoilers

Ok, so if you haven’t finished listening to the entire song, do that before reading further.

Done?

Ok, good.

The topic of machine learning and artificial intelligence threatening creative artists was just beginning to bubble up, and I think there may have been some strike by the screenwriters guild going on around the time. But as soon as I came up with the final stanza, the end joke was so obvious that it had to be done.

The Plogue Chipspeech plugin has turned into a surprise hit for me. I used it on last year’s D-13 and also on 2022’s Obverse View, both of which got really good feedback. It’s fun and easy to use, and I appreciate that it also provides a little history for each of the various speech synthesis models. I suspect that some really amazing things like Synthesizer V will be making their way into my arsenal in the coming years.

I made this song entirely for my own amusement beause I’d cracked myself up with a mental conversation while making coffee. Happily, it hit a lot of the other participants in the funny bone as well.

Lyrics

The worst thing for a songwriter is having deja vu
Is that amazing melody by someone who’s not you?
But maybe it’s original, which hurts you even more
When the moment comes you realize you wrote it once before

Some might say that writer’s block is something even worse
Staring for hours at a blank page is a curse
And finally the moment comes, but then comes something else
When you’ve worked all night only to find that nothing rhymes with else

Relax now, it’s a fact there’s nothing new under the sun
Forget originality, it’s already been done
Just do what I’ve perfected and learn how to conceal
All the source material you pillage, swipe, and steal

The lyrics, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this song, specifically those related to copyright and other intellectual property violations, plagiarism, theft, pillage, sex crimes, thoughtcrimes, pre crimes, or not yet having completed this years tax filings are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), the general intelligence entity which has been running the planet for the last 4 years, places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.

No person or entity associated with this song received payment or anything of value, or entered into any agreement in connection with the depiction of tobacco products, the devil’s lettuce, acid, shrooms, MDMA, rohypnol, horse, pony, synthesizers, uppers, downers, over the counter analgesics, hemorrhoid creams, nose trimmers, weed whackers, night-time sneezing, sniffling, coughing, aching fever so-you-can-rest medicines, pornography, granulated refined sugars, trans fats, caffeine, or voting.

Professional driver on closed track. This song produced in a studio that sometimes contains tree nuts, wheat, peanuts, sunflower seeds, chocolate, the tears of the weak (including the artist’s), pepper spray, flick knives, mace, maces, throwing stars, katanas, ninjas, and anime plushies. Never iron clothes while they are being worn. Do not place hand under the deck while blades are in motion. Drivers do not actually fly to deliver product. Do not use to trim hedges. Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level. Avoid death. Do not drive with sunshield in place. Check for passengers in the rear seat before exiting the vehicle. This work contains substances known to the state of California to cause cancer, birth defects, irreversible eye rolling, and other reproductive harm.

This artistic work, including lyrics, underlying chord structure, melody, look and feel, and trademarked brand referencing is protected under the copyright laws of the United States and other countries throughout the world. Country of first publication: United States of America. Any unauthorized exhibition, distribution, or copying of this song or any part thereof (including the tantrum in the previous verse) may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution.

You know, this song already sounds quite familiar to me
But I’ll avoid the lawsuit on some technicality
So write songs while you can, you’ve only got so long to try
Cause soon we’ll all be copying from some stupid AI

Colophon

Instruments & Samples

Keyscape, Omnisphere, Chipspeech

Effects, Mixing, & Mastering

FabFilter, Gullfoss, Valhalla VintageVerb

Notes

1
One of my favorite semi-recent quirky indie films is called “Frank” and this very situation happens to the lead character early in the film. That sequence is a perfectly accurate capture of what has happened to me many times.
2
Well, a chorus of pirates, I guess
3
Pirate Lester, Pirate Bert, Pirate Steve, Pirate Pip, Pirate Jenkins, and Pirate Bob